I never really expected a simple battery change to send me spinning back in time. She used to love her Fischer Price music table. It is brightly colored, just the right height for a toddler and full of bi-lingual songs and activities. It’s where she learned to stand and take assisted steps. She loved hiding her binky in the little green compartment. She would get a huge, full-face smile on her face when she figured out how to reopen the little door and found it again. Because she couldn’t yet walk around the table she would spend longs lengths of time redoing the same activity over and over again. The songs on that table were like a soundtrack to her little toddler self. I, unknowingly, associated the music on that table to her and her huge bald-headed smile.
While packing up Landon’s room I found this favorite toy of Addi’s. I remember I put it there months and months ago when the batteries died when I didn’t have any new ones to replace them. I then forgot all about it. Landon sure was excited to rediscover it.
The table was turned upside down on my kitchen floor and Landon helped put new batteries in. As the new batteries clicked into place it started singing a familiar tune, “Uno, Dos, Tres….” and my heart sank and I was taken back in time four years. I was now in our Salt Lake City house. It was equally hot and muggy, just like today. She was playing at her table in only a diaper. She had a innocent glow about her, from the sweat I’m sure! Her skin was tanned from the carefree days of playing outside in the Utah sunshine. She was a chunk and her arms and legs each rolled into the cutest baby fat you’d ever seen. Her huge cheeks and bright blue eyes made up her face. She was just learning how to stand. She would hang on to the table and do little baby squat dancing while cracking up. So happy. So content. So easy to please. So eager to be with me in every moment.
Last night was one of the most difficult nights being her mother. Since returning from vacation she has refused to go to bed. A few nights we have cuddled her or let her fall asleep on our floor. For a few nights we give her the benefit of the doubt and let her readjust after a week away. We try to understand that maybe she really is terrified to go to sleep. But last night I could just see her manipulating the whole situation. It was a downward spiral that after the two hour battle of kicking, screaming (I had to close up all the windows it was so loud), yelling horrible things at me, clinging and fighting it left me physically and emotionally exhausted. She was so defiant and I felt as though I was totally loosing all control and it felt like that may be the moment that I never get it back. I walked outside to take a breather and move the hose. I heard her running through the house and heard her through the door screaming, “My mommy has left me all alone in the night.” (Daddy got called into the hospital about 30 minutes into it and I asked if I could go take the call instead!) Eventually after very little negotiation on my part – she was too irate to even talk to me – and repetitively putting her back into her bed she gave in and fell asleep.
She woke this morning as if nothing had every happened. She was just shocked when I calmly told her she would not be allowed to play with her friends or go swimming today based on her behavior last night. I said, “Maybe it will help you think about how you act tonight.” I don’t know why things she says still shock me, but she asked right after that, “Well is tomorrow Friday?” I said, “No, but why does that matter?” I then remembered that her friends would not be home on Friday. She was already planning her behavior based on whether or not her friends be around the next day. Subtle things like that make me think she is not really having night-time terrors and just challenging us. Daddy had trouble sleeping alone when he was little and because of that he tries to reason with her, reassure her, let her manipulate the situation a little more. I am happy with his patience and soft-tempered attempts at working through the problem with her, but I feel like it is time to put our foot down.
She is definitely changing. She challenges us in everything, everything. She is outwardly defiant and almost impossibly argumentative at times. I am so ready to pull my hair out…. If only that little talking table that my baby Addi loved so much really could take me back to that time, for a extended vacation. It was easier then. I wasn’t expecting discipline to be so hard so early. I had it in my mind that I had a solid thirteen years or so before the defiancey of hormone-driven adolescence would knock down our door. Before now you could reason with her or just tell her the way it was going to go and she basically accepted it simply because Mommy or Daddy said so, and she whole-heartily trusted us. Now, everything is a battle. Addi is always right and lookout if you try to tell her otherwise.
I made her sit on her bed this mid-morning for a full 15 minutes where she was to reflect on the things she said, the way she acted and how she would act differently tonight. When the 15 minute kitchen timer went off I went in to talk to her and found this…. what a peaceful, sleepy angel …. when she’s fast asleep!
I rant on this blog because I love her. I release my feelings and frustrations here, instead of towards her. It is my battle to take on and because I love her I won’t give up on her. Sometimes I feel at a loss of what to do and how to do it right, but I know it’s only the beginning of these little challenges and I will not let her down by giving in.
{Uploading those baby Addi picture had me sitting in a puddle of my own tears. I miss her, little her and I am feeling a little grief that baby Addi has so quickly been replaced with big, independent Addi.}
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