I was up with the roosters. Almost like Christmas the anticipation for this day had been building for weeks and I was up, and ready to get it over with. I know my girl. I know what scares her. I know exactly how this morning will go. All the pep-talks will mean nothing. She will be nervous, clingy and there will be tears. New situations and new people terrify her. I knew my emotions would not handle a meltdown of my baby saying, ‘please mama, don’t leave me here.’
As I stirred my coffee I heard her alarm start to sound. I snuck to her room and watched her little self spring to life. For a week now we’ve had the alarm set and she has been practicing her new school morning routine. She sprang up, turned off her alarm and walked to her closet, then she spotted me. I picked her up and she wrapped her sleepy body around me. With her green blankey wrapped around her we said our good mornings and she excitedly got dressed.
We fixed her hair in two piggy braids and had breakfast. She was happy, smiling and excited. Okay, I can do this too, I thought to myself. She sat on the floor to put on her shoes. She looked up and said, “Are you sure these shoes look okay with this skirt?” Oh, that’s my baby!
Breakfast secrets.
And then the pictures. She looked so grown up. Too grown up for kindergarten. I was worried she would look too small, too young, too vulnerable. I told her maybe she should skip kindergarten and go right to first grade. She gave me a little elbow to my side, “Oh, Mom.”, she said.
Landon gave Addi hugs and kisses, but he was smiling and acting too goofy. Addi said, “You know Landon you really should be more sad about this day.”
{Her.} She carries my whole heart with her. {Love.} She is my love and my dream come true. {She.} She makes me so, so proud.
She insisted she say goodbye to her best girl, Mariah.
At school we saw friends, kids and moms. They all stopped to wish her good luck. She had nothing to say and buried her face into my shirt.
In her classroom were a few friends from preschool that she knew well and many new friends that she did not. She clung to my hand and positioned her little self behind me, ever so slightly. Landon had this school thing figured out and climbed right into a little chair, awaiting instruction! When she was asked to have a seat, she hesitated. I assured her I would not leave until she was ready. I knelt beside her as she worked on coloring a little person Popsicle stick that had her name on it.
After a couple minutes I stood up and moved away from her table to the edge of the classroom. She got upset with me, and shed a few tears. Although I hadn’t left the room, I had left her side too soon, before she said she was ready, like I had promised. Ms. Roberts asked if she was okay and her little voice squeaked out, “I’m just scared.” I stayed at her side while she finished her coloring project and then moved on to cut her name out in playdoh. She found a good spot in between Cole and Jessi, her buddies from preschool. I could see on her cheeks and in her shoulders that she had relaxed. Ms. Roberts asked the kids to clean up the playdoh and invited them to have a seat on a letter on her carpet. I told Addi I would say goodbye now. She said, “Okay, mommy. Just walk me to the carpet.” She sat on the “A”. I kissed her, said I love you baby and I reminded her that I would be back to pick her up. Then I walked away. I lingered outside her door for just a few moments. Just to make sure she was okay. And she was.
Good, right!?? No big deal, right?!! We got this.
My friend Jenny stopped by the classroom while Addi still clung to my hand. I was still unsure if Addi would let me leave her. I almost lost it when Jenny and I made eye contact and she asked how I was doing. She’s done this twice and knew just what my heart was feeling. When I whispered to Jenny, “Do I leave her when she starts to cry?”, tears welled up and I had to look away from Addi. But I held it together – for her sake.
An instragram friend commented on one of my pictures, “She will make you proud mama.” And that she did. She never stops amazing me. I don’t know why I ever doubt her. She is so grown up, more than equipped and more than ready to take these first steps. She made me so proud.
But now. I sit here almost alone. Baby kitten is curled up in my lap. Like she could sense I needed a tiny body to need me right now. Landon is napping. The house is Barney-music free. The screen door isn’t slamming shut every few minutes. I hear no little heeled feet changing for the millionth time. There isn’t watercolor paint water spilled anywhere and she isn’t asking for icey-lemon water. And I am wondering what she is doing. I so wish I could be a fly on the wall. Is she still okay? It’s probably close to lunch time. Will she know what to do? Will someone help her find her way? Aw…. here it comes. I miss her already and now I cry. Will she remember to look at her bracelet if she gets a little sad.
Two and a half more hours until I get to see her face and hear all about it….. two hours and 29 minutes….
She saw me walk by her room — only a few minutes early! I got a big smile, a wink and a thumbs-up! When her teacher dismissed her I got a big hug. She cheered with her cheerleading arms held high, “Kindergarten IS AWE-some!”
She didn’t stop talking about her day the whole ride home. I said, “Well, is there anything you didn’t like about your day?” She said, “No. I liked everything.”
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