I can’t help but feel that giving up this tiny plot of Montana farm land will be our life’s great mistake.
Our home is officially for sale.
Saying goodbye and moving away from our home has already proven to be very difficult and very sad for me. I knew it would be hard and Dylan knows that too. He knows what this place means to me. The decision we made to move on was not, by any means, an easy one. Here in my journal space, I get to be honest. It is crucial and extremely helpful for me. Like any life-changing process, I will move through and feel every emotion. Once the burden of actually selling the home, with all the tedious to-dos that moving entails, passes, I am sure the excitement will set it. I know we will be excited to see new things, explore a new place and create great new memories with our grand new adventure.
I am trying to cling to the possibility that there is another Eden out there just for us, that God will bless us with. Where this lifestyle that I love so deeply will be more than just a memory. I continue to wish for baby farms animals each spring, fresh chicken eggs and a little green space for the kids to run wild.
I truly discovered myself here. I have never felt so comfortable in my own skin. Leaving Choteau does not have to mean I have to lose the qualities in myself that I have learned to love. This is me. I am found. And leaving does not mean I have to give me up.
Right?
I am trying to remember that is just a thing, just a place. It is wood and nails. It is man-made. It can be recreated. We pack up our belongings and together we go and our memories get to come to.
The space within these wooden posts and barbed wire fence forever became a part of me and the grief associated with losing it is great. The warm feelings, the substantial memories built here were immense and full of warmth, joy and love. My kids grew here. But I grew a lot here. I developed a confidence and sense of pride in myself that I never before knew I had. A part of my heart will be left here and I am eternally grateful for the experience.
As the saying goes, it is better to have love and lost then never to have loved at all. I have never felt the truth in those words more than I do now. I am so grateful for every dirty moment I spent here. For every new experience we lived together, for every frigid trek to feed my animals, for every broken egg and dropped seed. For every walk down the dirt road, for every lazy summer day on the porch with friends. For every moment spent with my dad fixing something. For every giggle and tear and for every single piece of poo scrapped off of some surface — I am eternally grateful.
It happened. It was real. I was the lucky one to live through it. This big part of my life’s story, I know I will cling to those moments of pure happiness.
Comentarios