The house seems so empty. Too quiet. Eerily calm. I miss my little bug. Her constant chatter — opinions, questions, perspectives, arguments and all! With Addison spending this week in Missoula with Grandma and Grandpa Powell I have a lot of time to sit in quiet, read old posts, look at old pictures and think. Not always a good thing for me.
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Yesterday I took Landon to Helena for an eye exam. At a few days old Landon had his first eye exam. His eyes were still not developed enough to make any observations. These highly invasive eye exams are normal procedure for most premature babies. Babies born early or with low birth weights are at risk at developing retinaopathy of prematurity or ROP. If left untreated it can cause blindness. In total he had three eye exams in the NICU. At a 6 weeks old, a day before he was discharged, he had an exam. I was present for this exam and absolutely mortified at the procedure. The nurses warned me and urged me not to go. Now that I had my baby in my arms I was not about to let him out of my sight. I would have never thought they would allow such a thing to be done to any baby. With the exam the doctor found he had very, very mild case of ROP in his right eye. The eye doctor was confident it would clear up on its own. At 10 weeks old he had another eye exam, this time Dylan was with Landon. I could not bring myself to witness that again. I feared for the life of the doctor! The ROP had cleared up. The ophthalmologist wanted to see him again at a year old. Well, for about 10 months I have been dreading this doctor’s appointment. When Dr. Merdock’s office called to set up the appointment I almost declined. I have previously blogged about the eye exam and how completely barbaric and cruel I think it is. I just assumed we would be checking on the healed ROP. I stupidly assumed he would need do the same ROP exam. After a near complete mental break down talking with the nurse, and much confusion on the nurses part, I learned Landon would not be needing that exam. After all my panic and fear Landon’s exam was absolutely pain free and so simple — he was even smiling for a lot of it! The doctor said he has mild astigmatism in one eye. A non-issue for now. He will check it again in a year.
One very happy baby, before & AFTER his eye exam!
The stress and anxiety I was feeling about Landon’s recent eye exam ignited many familiar feelings. Feelings I was hoping I would never feel, ever again. Fear being the most dominant. In less than a week we will be celebrating Landon’s first birthday. I use the word celebrate loosely. I am not sure many people will be able to grasp what I mean. Unless you have had to survive a bittersweet event of your premature baby being taken from your body too soon and all the uncertainties that come along with that, I am not sure my feelings will make sense. The day Landon was born was not a happy day. The day Landon was born I was not excited, gleeful or full of joy. I was devastated, full of fear, grief and despair. I prayed this day would never come. I prayed his heart would hold out until his due date, or at least closer to it. I had been told countless times that if this day came, it meant his heart was too weak to support him, he would be taken from me and I would not get the chance to hold my son alive. On this day I did not want to be congratulated and I did not want to be given hugs of joy. My baby was going to be taken from us, intibated, stuck with needles, made dependent on lung, heart and pain medication and stuck on a hard, plastic table under artificial heat. His life was in the hands of his doctor’s and nurses. It was up to them to make the right decisions for Landon. Dylan and I had done all we could do for him. His ONLY chance of surviving was to be born on this day and I had lost all control of caring for him. This past week I cannot help but relive each day, every painful day of my pregnancy, especially the last days leading up to his birth. I am painfully remembering not only the emotional pain but the physical pain I was in. Sick, weak and so tired. Remembering each dreadful drive Dylan and I took to Great Falls to get an ultrasound to check on Landon. Each time praying against, but anticipating the worse. Remembering every time we got our hopes up when he improved a little to be brought back down with bad news. I relive the doctor’s saying his only chance is delivery. And then right before my c-section being told not expect much, only a 3% chance that he would make it through his first hours. What kind of a chance is that?
Even with all of that in the back of my mind, still too fresh a wound, with my writing I plan on relinquishing all these repressed feelings into this post. I am not sure I will ever fully heal from all that pain. Like any painful event only time will heal. But I hope to release it for now. To be free of my fear for Landon’s life, because he is okay now, safe. I will allow Landon’s birth day to be a celebration. God was merciful and against every single odd Landon lived. We will celebrate God’s goodness, our faithfulness and Landon’s super-human strength. We will celebrate all the miracles we were given during Landon’s first days, weeks and during his first year. We will celebrate all his accomplishments. We will celebrate the fact that he isn’t only well, but thriving and so, so happy. We will celebrate his smile, his sweet nature and his health. We will celebrate.
The way he came to this world was so difficult and scary, but the joy this little boy brings us and the love between us all makes the journey worth it. Every second was worth it.
Yes, my sweet boy, you are one!
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